A DNA test has shattered everything I thought I knew about my family.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors are from this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is fully or partially of that descent. Or so I thought.

My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since for my entire life my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a longstanding history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.

Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised, or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?

—Problematic President

Dear President,

What a shock! I think you should choose one or two especially trusted members of this organization—ideally who also hold leadership roles—and disclose your discovery to them in private. This is a delicate matter, and not something that will be well-served to be litigated out in a public arena immediately. It’s definitely the ethical choice to disclose, but I also think that keeping this under wraps will be personally torturous for you (and will impede your own journey toward processing the news). Your sense of self has been shattered—it’s not the time to keep secrets.

Talk with these trusted colleagues and take their guidance on how to approach your role with the organization moving forward (or communicating the discovery to a wider audience). Then I would recommend that you find a therapist—ideally someone with experience with patients working through their racial and ethnic identity—to figure out how to reassemble your sense of self. This is a life-changing paradigm shift, and even if you’re no longer to serve in this organization in the exact same professional capacity, I have faith that the personal relationships you’ve cultivated with your colleagues can still be a source of support as you embark down this unfamiliar road. It’s a chance for them to walk the walk about supporting people from all backgrounds and the wider world; maybe you’re no longer part of the “tribe,” but you are still a part of the community.

I would also encourage you to spend some time researching your family tree on your own, if it’s possible. This DNA test has raised major questions about your lineage, but it can’t tell you the whole story, and I think more information will help you rebuild a new sense of identity. It seems odd that your family would pass down recipes or heirlooms with absolutely no direct association with the ethnic group in question; perhaps there are cultural similarities or even more nuanced ties between both groups that can give you a clearer understanding of what it means to be who you are.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve known my best friend Sarah since elementary school. We’re in our 30s now. I graduated from college over 10 years ago and got a job. She dropped out of college and has never worked. To this day, she refuses to work, even though there’s nothing wrong with her mentally or physically. For years, she sat at home, living with her parents, which was bad enough. Any attempts to ask her when she was going to get a job and move out are met with silence, sometimes stretching for weeks.

Living at home was bad enough, but her parents sold their house and moved into a retirement home. And she went with them! Her parents are in the independent living section, in their own house, and she’s right there with them. She still refuses to work. How do I snap her out of this? She’s living in a retirement home in her 30s as life passes her by!

—She’s in a Retirement Home at 35!

Dear Home,

I agree with you that your friend’s life choices seem strange (and possibly driven by a deep, chronic depression), but it’s not your place as a friend to judge them. And it’s definitely not your job to “snap her out” of it.

If you want to be a good friend to her, you have to offer your companionship and support without the expectation that she behaves or conducts her life according to your standards. My theory is that there is more to the story than you are aware of, but you’re not going to figure out what’s going on until you, one, apologize for being judgmental and, two, express that you’re here to listen if she needs someone to talk to. But also, it’s up to you if you want to stay friends! It may be too hard for you to relate to someone who doesn’t share your values, or to feel like you have a responsibility to take care of her. In that case, you have to distance yourself and let your friend make the choices she’s going to make.

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Dear Prudence, 

I am a middle-aged, unmarried, man. I have what some people would consider an unusual sense of humor that involves a lot of wordplay. Also, I tend to be very literal. A few years ago I tried my hand at online dating and had a phone conversation with a woman I’d contacted. At one point she asked me, “Are you a ‘glass half full’ kind of guy or a ‘glass half empty’ kind of guy?” I answered, “I use paper cups,” which was 100 percent true, not an attempt at humor, and me being literal. That was our only conversation. Was I wrong to give that response?

—Lives at the Seashore, So I’m Very Littoral

Dear Littoral,

No! You seem self-aware about having an unusual sense of humor and rather literal mien. There are a lot of people who are like you, or who would appreciate someone like you. Your challenge is to quickly weed out the contenders who “don’t get it.”

This means that you will have to be upfront and unapologetic about yourself: If someone doesn’t understand your joke or is confused about why you’d be so literal, you’re going to have to practice not taking it personally and instead, viewing it as a sign that they’re not on your wavelength. The good thing about online dating is that you can present this kind of information on your profile, and people will usually self-select based on that. (When I was online dating, I eventually learned to write on my profile that I was “not a chill person” because I wanted to warn off anyone who might be looking for that personality trait. The contenders I connected with were much more compatible with my Type A persona as a result! Win-win.)

The trick with online dating at any age is that you have to be comfortable and confident enough to show your true self to people as early as possible, so that they can decide whether you’re both a match (and vice versa). If you hide your true self, it’ll be harder for them to tell, and everyone’s time gets wasted. You don’t need to be everyone’s cup of tea; you just need to find your people. Good luck!

Dear Prudence,

I am going through it in my marriage. Less than two weeks ago, I discovered infidelity. I was totally blindsided and am very wounded. I’m also planning on trying to work it out (we’re in counseling) and as a result, I’ve not told a ton of people. One of the people I have told is a friend I’ve known for multiple decades. I just went to see her, and her husband basically greeted me with, “Hey, how are you? We’re married so I know all the salacious details.” My life and heartbreak do not feel like gossip fodder to me, they feel terrible. Even as a joke, it hurt a lot. I have found his humor abrasive at times, but this felt borderline intolerable. Would it be dramatic to tell my friend, “Hey, I adore you, but while I’m in this really tender place, I don’t want to spend time around your husband?” I’m feeling so vulnerable at the moment that I’m having trouble judging the appropriateness of my emotional responses.

—Not a Reality Show

Dear Show,

How rude! I think we all can assume that our friends tell their partners plenty of things we’d rather they keep to themselves, but the tacit agreement is that these partners can’t act like they know about everything! Your friend’s husband was heinously indiscrete. I think you should tell your friend that you feel embarrassed and hurt, particularly about the tone he used to describe the most painful experience of your life. I think you need (and deserve) an apology from him. Ask for that, and then decide if you still want some space from the husband for a while. It would be well within your rights to pause socializing with someone who was so glib about your heartache, but I think you shouldn’t communicate your hurt by mysteriously not wanting to hang around the offender. Call Mr. Loose Lips out on his discourtesy, and ask your friend to perhaps exercise a little more discretion about your secrets.

—Delia

Classic Prudie

I have an annual holiday dilemma involving my brother’s dog. My brother and sister-in-law adopted a rescue dog who had a history of being abused. While I admire that they were willing to take on the dog, she has a history of trauma and can be unpredictable. My brother often brings the dog to my parents’ home for the holidays.