Right then, heels on, claws sharpened — Joanna Gumley has returned to rummage through another week of showbiz curiosities, cultural nonsense and the occasional accidental moment of sincerity.
Charlotte Church’s Woodland Woo-Woo
Singer turned spiritual hostess Charlotte Church is inviting mothers everywhere to celebrate Mother’s Day with a day retreat at her Welsh wellness sanctuary The Dreaming.
Guests will be welcomed with snacks, meditation, a tour of the land, and the chance to build fairy houses in the woods — which is either whimsical nature crafting or the early stages of a pagan uprising, depending on how much kombucha you’ve had.
The retreat sits in the former home of Laura Ashley, surrounded by Celtic rainforest and gardens designed by a Chelsea Flower Show winner.
Verdict: if your mum enjoys mindfulness, moss and the faint smell of incense, this could be heaven. If she prefers a roast and a nap in front of the telly, perhaps stick to flowers.
Bluey Goes Full Philharmonic
Children’s television phenomenon Bluey has released “Sleepytime”, the second single from its orchestral album Bluey: Up Here.
Composed by Joff Bush and recorded with the Queensland Symphony Orchestra, the track expands one of the show’s most beloved episodes into full symphonic tear-jerker territory.
Joanna notes that the children will enjoy the music, but the parents will be the ones sobbing quietly over the vinyl pressing at 11pm.
Because if there’s one thing modern parenting has taught us, it’s that Bluey is less a cartoon and more a weekly emotional reckoning.
The Dildo That Knew Too Much
Meanwhile in the less cuddly corners of modern life, the sex-tech industry has discovered that Bluetooth connectivity and cybersecurity are not always the happiest of bedfellows.
Emily Conway, CEO of London-based Dragon Toys, has warned that connected adult devices can collect extremely sensitive data — and sometimes lack the encryption to keep it safe.
Yes, your intimate gadget may be gathering usage data, partner details and preference settings like a very enthusiastic spreadsheet.
What can I say?, It seems humanity has officially invented the hackable orgasm.
And somewhere, a cybercriminal is whispering, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
Book of the Week: Promise Power
In Harness Your PromisePower, author Matthew Cossolotto argues that the real engine of personal transformation isn’t goals or resolutions — it’s promises.
Inspired by a vow he made to his dying mother, the book explores how the words “I promise” can carry emotional weight that motivational slogans never quite manage.
The foreword comes from Jack Canfield of Chicken Soup for the Soul fame, and the pages are peppered with examples involving figures like Oprah Winfrey and LeBron James.
I think the idea is admirable, though she suspects most people’s most reliable promise remains: “Just one more episode.”
Knorr Wants You To Date A Cook
Dating apps are apparently exhausting Britain’s single population.
A survey commissioned by Knorr claims Gen Z singles spend roughly 156 hours a year swiping yet find only seven meaningful connections.
The solution? Cooking.
Enter #ServingSingles, a TikTok campaign encouraging people to promote their single foodie friends online, endorsed by maître d’ and professional romantic Fred Sirieix.
According to the research, cooking ranks as more attractive than owning a flashy car or being a gym obsessive.
I find this refreshing. After all, abs fade. A good lasagne is forever.
From Ashes To Europe
Rock outfit From Ashes To New are returning to Europe and the UK in April alongside their upcoming album Reflections.
The tour hits Milan, Hamburg, Antwerp and London, giving fans a chance to hear new material and long-standing favourites.
I note that every rock band describes their next tour as “a new chapter.” In fairness, most bands have been writing the same chapter since 2007 — but the fans still turn up, and that’s what matters.
GB News Rates again (not)
Last week we explained the GB News ratings. This week again they said they were the ‘number one news channel’; The only problem with that is – A) they’re not and B) they’re not a news channel.
Once again the Multi-Channel Top 30 showed that both the BBC News Channel and Sky News were tuned to when breaking news broke – the main purpose of a news channel. GB News was nowhere to be found. As someone noted, GB News is more Loose Women with right wing politics than breaking news.
For the record here is where the real news channels made the latest ratings rankings in the multi-channel chart: 23rd Feb – 1st Mar:
8 – BBC News Channel, 15 – Sunday Morning (Sky News), 19 – Sky News Today, 22 – Sky News Today, 23 – Sky News Today, 24 – Sunday with… (BBC News), 25 – The News Hour (Sky News).
Joanna’s Final Thought
If Joanna Gumley had to offer advice after this week’s peculiar buffet of showbiz news, it would be this: retreat to the woods occasionally, listen to orchestral Bluey when the world feels overwhelming, never connect anything intimate to public Wi-Fi, and remember that the simplest route to someone’s heart is still a decent meal and keeping your promises.
Oh — and if a gadget ever asks for your password during foreplay, darling, it’s time to unplug that deranged dildo.
The views expressed are those of the author and not ATV Today
